I recently read the story of Kristin Cronin. She was a 14 year old teenage girl who died in her parents’ arms – 2 days after saying she didn’t feel well. The last words to her parents before she passed away, “Daddy help me”.

My heart broke when I thought of the pain I would feel if my son told me the same thing. Knowing I couldn’t help him, that he had something terminal. Hearing him plead for my help and knowing I couldn’t just change his diaper and help him feel better. It’s not an option to get him his bottle, or put a band aid on his cut. There’s got to be nothing more painful for a person to go through.

It made me think of how I would change my life if this happened to me. How would I live my life differently if my son died in my arms saying “Daddy help me”. Would I spend more time with my family and loved ones? Would I have a different relationship with work and money? Would I help people more? Work less? Quit my job? Move to Alaska?

It’s hard to really know for sure what one would do if this happened to them, but one thing is for sure: they would most likely institute some massive changes in their life. And, with some hard work and positive influence, probably some very good changes.

But what if I could make those changes now? What if I could bypass the tragedy and implement those changes without it?

Unfortunately many times it takes a massive tragedy like this to really open our eyes – to really show us what’s important. I would never ask or want to hear the words, “Daddy, help me”, but sometimes ironically, I need to hear them.

“Parenting can be really easy, or it can be really hard. If you want to do it well, it’s really hard.”

Before that time, it had never occurred to me that parenting could actually be done well, or be done badly. As obvious as that sounds. I always thought that somehow parenting was just surviving, and that everyone just did what they could do to make sure their child stays out of trouble, stays healthy, gets an education and gains some general social skills. But when this person told me that, suddenly it occurred to me that parenting could be compared to a technical skill. Like speaking another language, or learning to play a musical instrument – something with legitimate difficulty. A skill that takes lots of practice, research, reading, writing, questions, answers, etc. It’s a lot like getting a degree (except that the classroom is everywhere, classes are 24 hours a day and meet every day of the year). Additionally, instead of a 4 year degree, this is approximately an 18-25 year degree, and even then it never really tapers off completely.

At the moment she said that, I realized that if my son was to grow up smarter, stronger, and faster, I was going to have to really put some work and effort into this parenting thing. Articles, books, talking, practicing, etc. – all the work (and benefits) that might go in to learning a new language or musical instrument could and should be applied to parenting.

Photo by kwanie

Recently I went to visit my Dad. As we were talking an interesting song came playing on the radio. “This song” he remarks, “came out right about the time you were born.” He continues, “Once I started listening to the words, it was a very powerful song for me, and touched me when I thought of having you, my first son”. I had heard the song before, but had not really listened to the lyrics. Since I also just had a son (6 months prior) I was eager to hear something that had to do with being a father, and having a son. The song played on the radio, while my Dad and I listened…

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin’ ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew
He’d say “I’m gonna be like you dad
You know I’m gonna be like you”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin’ home dad? I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, “Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let’s play
Can you teach me to throw”, I said “Not today
I got a lot to do”, he said, “That’s ok”
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, “I’m gonna be like him, yeah
You know I’m gonna be like him”

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
“Son, I’m proud of you, can you sit for a while?”
He shook his head and said with a smile
“What I’d really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?”

I’ve long since retired, my son’s moved away
I called him up just the other day I said,
“I’d like to see you if you don’t mind”
He said, “I’d love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job’s a hassle and kids have the flu
But it’s sure nice talking to you,
Dad It’s been sure nice talking to you”

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He’d grown up just like me My boy was just like me
- Harry Chapin

As we sat and listened together, the song was also very touching to me. Becoming a new father, my first thought was, “wow, I will never let this happen to me”. But I caught myself thinking exactly what my Dad once thought when he first heard the song.

Since then, I’ve been thinking about the song, and the idea of being a better Dad, and still I’m convinced I will not let this happen to me. But it is a constant battle. Anyone who is a Dad out there knows the simple reality that we feel the responsibility tugging at us. We feel the constant need to provide for our family, and support them. This often gets in the way of time spent with them. So this is our battle. I for one am fighting it. Our lot may be to provide, and support our family, but it doesn’t mean that with a little creativity we can’t spend time with them, and do the exactly opposite of this song.

Who’s with me? Who’s ready to fight against “Cat’s in the Cradle” syndrome!